Sunday, October 30, 2011


I have not updated this in a long, long time. Life's been busy, things have occurred that have given me a touch of fear of writing. As in, I don't want to write because inevitably I will write about them and I would rather not think about them.

The time has come. So, I apologize in advance for the darkness.


this sentiment is falling apart
like I’d ripped its seams and
examined the things that fell from it
left disinterested
its fatigue rubs along my bones
and I alone can tell it,

my mornings are scraps of nightmares
I wear the sweat of some dream
or another, a beam I walk nightly
I fight to stay bearing myself
for a body I cannot feel
my head reels boldly against my needs
I am a woman, or was:
gone to someone, the hot pressure
the fissure running through my veins as I
throb and bend to pangs of pleasure
tease them out of strands of hair
bruises leasing land where fangs have broken ground
I pound my fists into my eyes and
feel shame, wet and playing games
gouging hard scars, burning
I can’t moan into a night where I have
before been forced--never make a sound
you will only hurt yourself
but oh, oh god, if you saw me now

when I can’t fight I let it slip
fingers, lips lighting afire for a while
let me decode my smile
I line the memory with fragile loves
things I no longer have, or want
what has been taken hurts the most
the aching host for my soul, one
the line that splits my whole taken
made to break for no one
I lament the loss and fake being--

I am guilty to you and everyone
a secret I can’t bear
eyes I will never bare
fall is here and I stand there waiting
the change is not coming
I lunge for it and let it hang
but I dare you to stay
I dare you to say to me,
it doesn't matter to me
you're bigger than your pains
fortunes change and I'm here
lives flicker in and out of range;
I lack the age to linger on
in fields of pain and rage
but its seeds cling
lonely, too free
my body not singly afflicted
and what else would you have me

1 comment:

  1. I know you wrote this awhile ago now, but I just happened to open up my old blogspot account and saw yours so I wandered into it. I just want to say that this piece is so, so beautiful. It's written with such purpose, such agonizing spirit and pain and strength and much beauty. And it is so amazing to see you now, graduated from college, in a good relationship, still this remarkably intelligent woman that you have always been, but even more so now. I see your posts and pictures on facebook and the word that always comes to my mind is that you are thriving, because you are, you are thriving as I always knew you would and you are doing it so brilliantly. Anyway...just had to get that down somewhere, not sure if or when you'll ever read this comment, but it had to be said. I know we don't talk much anymore, life just sorta happened when I wasn't paying attention I guess lol, but I want you to know, that I still think of you all the time and I still consider you my friend. :)

    Love always,