I have not updated this in a long, long time. Life's been busy, things have occurred that have given me a touch of fear of writing. As in, I don't want to write because inevitably I will write about them and I would rather not think about them.
The time has come. So, I apologize in advance for the darkness.
tired
this sentiment is falling apart
like I’d ripped its seams and
examined the things that fell from it
left disinterested
its fatigue rubs along my bones
and I alone can tell it,
stop
my mornings are scraps of nightmares
I wear the sweat of some dream
or another, a beam I walk nightly
I fight to stay bearing myself
for a body I cannot feel
my head reels boldly against my needs
I am a woman, or was:
gone to someone, the hot pressure
the fissure running through my veins as I
throb and bend to pangs of pleasure
tease them out of strands of hair
bruises leasing land where fangs have broken ground
I pound my fists into my eyes and
feel shame, wet and playing games
gouging hard scars, burning
I can’t moan into a night where I have
before been forced--never make a sound
you will only hurt yourself
but oh, oh god, if you saw me now
when I can’t fight I let it slip
fingers, lips lighting afire for a while
let me decode my smile
I line the memory with fragile loves
things I no longer have, or want
what has been taken hurts the most
the aching host for my soul, one
the line that splits my whole taken
made to break for no one
I lament the loss and fake being--
I am guilty to you and everyone
a secret I can’t bear
eyes I will never bare
fall is here and I stand there waiting
the change is not coming
I lunge for it and let it hang
but I dare you to stay
I dare you to say to me,
it doesn't matter to me
you're bigger than your pains
fortunes change and I'm here
lives flicker in and out of range;
I lack the age to linger on
in fields of pain and rage
but its seeds cling
lonely, too free
my body not singly afflicted
and what else would you have me
be
